Holding It Back
by Apennine-Culture
Summary: A facebook conversation between a stubborn Englishman and an American who's sick of being treated the way he is. It's been 236 years, and Alfred has a lot to say. Rated T for his language in expressing his anger.


**A/N: Okay, so! CelestialPirate, sweetie, I'm so sorry this took so long but I hope it's worth it! This is my interpretation of a little roleplay we did over facebook (oh yeah, we're cool like that). Her half can be located here: s/8234076/1/bHolding_b_it_bBack_b**

**Hope you enjoy! And maybe cry a little at my interpretation of Angry!America. It's hard, so sue me :P**

**Actually, don't sue me. I have no cash. It's all going toward college and Kumoricon :D**

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"Yeah! Okay, dude, glad you could make it! I'll totally see you there! Hero OUT." Alfred slammed the wall phone back into its receiver with an excited whoop. "Tony!" He called out into the living room. "Dude, are you ready to get your party on?"

"Shut the fuck up, I'm gaming."

Alfred was undeterred. "Dude, a par-TAY. At Mattie's place! He's having me invite people because I guess half of them don't remember who he is. But nobody can forget the hero!"

"That fucking limey going? I ain't going if the limey's going."

Alfred smacked himself in the forehead with his palm, knocking Texas slightly askew. "I completely forgot! I gotta go invite Artie! You think he'll be online?" Without waiting for an answer, he ran over to his computer and swiveled the mouse to turn off the screensaver. He logged into facebook and beamed at his profile picture. Arthur had persuaded him into it. He was dressed in his military uniform (looking _damn_ sexy, thank you very much) and was holding the Union Jack against his lips. It was a little intimate, sure, but since Arthur absolutely _refused_ to let him scream from the rooftops about the existence of their "special relationship," sexy profile pics would have to do.

And talk about sexy profile pictures. Every time he visited Arthur's page, Florida experienced a sudden rise in elevation. The things that man could do with a bomber jacket….

He had a task. He had to stop looking at this picture. _ALFRED. Stop looking at the picture._

He finally managed to convince himself to click the chatbox instead of staring, and was excited to find what he had been looking for. Arthur Kirkland was online.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_Arthur! I'm so FREAKING EXCITED, dude!_

Caps lock would forever be the best way to express emotion digitally.

**Arthur Kirkland: **_What for?_

Evidently Arthur had forgotten Matt's invitation. No matter, all the more reason to remind him.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_Okay, so Mattie called a little while ago, and is like, "Hey…I'm planning a small get-together at my house and I was wondering if you'd like to come. I invited a few people but I don't think they'll remember….So if you want to come, that would be cool." So I called up a bunch of people and told them there was gonna be a party at Mattie's place!_

**Alfred F. Jones: **_AND NOW THERE'S GONNA BE A PARTY AT MATTIE'S PLACE!_

He tapped his fingers on the keys excitedly, not actually typing anything, but too excited to hold still. The chatbox sounded with Arthur's reply.

**Arthur Kirkland: **_A party? Any particular reason why?_

Hang on…there was a reason, but Alfred couldn't remember what it was. Something Day.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_I dunno, something about July 1__st__, whatever that is. All I know is it's three days before the MOST AWESOME day of the year!_

Independence Day, of course! Only the best day of the entire year, aside from Christmas!

**Arthur Kirkland: **_Oh…right._

What's with the dots?

**Alfred F. Jones: **_Yeah! So you're gonna totally come to Mattie's thing, right? And then mine a few days later? Mine's gonna be WAY cooler, though. We're gonna have a barbecue, and I just got a new pool, and a yard bowling set, and there's gonna be hot dogs and FIREWORKS and all kinds of awesome shit! But Mattie's thing'll be cool too, I guess._

Arthur took a while to reply.

**Arthur Kirkland: **_I'll go to Matthew's, but not yours._

** Alfred F. Jones: **_AWESOME, I'LL SEE YOU THERE._

The second part of the message registered right then.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_What! But why not mine! I just told you it'll be a way kick-assier party!_

And seriously! Who could say know to an awesomely kick-ass party on the most awesomely kick-ass day of the year!

**Arthur Kirkland: **_Alfred, there's a reason I don't go to your parties, I don't celebrate that day, and I most definitely will not say anything to you on that day to make you feel better about yourself! Got it!_

Oh. So it was one of _those_ things.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_Yeah…okay. Whatever, bro._

Just pretend like he didn't say it, Al. Just let it go, don't think about it. Don't make him think about it. This will all blow over if you just say nothing.

**Arthur Kirkland: **_But I will go to Matthew's._

Of course. Precious Mattie. He'd go to Matt's party, because dear Matthew was still loyal. Annoying prick.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_Okay, whatever._

**Arthur Kirkland: **_What's up with you, Al?_

Aw, shit. He was starting to notice. Damnit, damn it, damn it! Just get out of the conversation! Just stop talking, avoid the subject, don't say anything stupid!

**Alfred F. Jones: **_Nothing. I gotta go._

He just had to get away. If he didn't talk about it, it wouldn't become an issue. Just leave it alone.

**Arthur Kirkland: **_Wait! Alfred!_

Hoping that Arthur's wanting him to stay was about something different (though he highly doubted it was), Alfred replied.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_What?_

**Arthur Kirkland: **_What's the matter?_

Of course it wasn't something different. It never was. No matter what, it would always come back to this.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_I already told you, nothing. Leave me alone._

A little harsh, maybe, but he really had to get out of this subject. He didn't want to discuss this, not at all.

**Arthur Kirkland: **_Well, fine then._

Seriously. Seriously? He was going to act all offended? Wow.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_Yeah, it is fine. Fucking peachy._

Because, really. You don't get to be rude and then act like the victim. Nuh-uh.

**Arthur Kirkland: **_Hey! Vulgar language is a big no-no!_

Was he fucking kidding? Was he joking? He was going to act all pissy at him and then get mad when Alfred actually showed some emotion about it?

**Alfred F. Jones: **_I don't even care right now. Just GTFO._

Fucking old man probably didn't even know what that meant.

**Arthur Kirkland: **_Well, when you learn to act decent, then come around. If not then, deal with your problems elsewhere._

Oh _hell_ no. Did he seriously just say that! Was he going to deny Alfred again, continue acting like the Revolution was just yesterday, instead of finally moving on, and then act like Alfred was being the child? Was he seriously going to act like the grown-up in this situation, when he was the one behaving like a brat, holding a grudge after two entire centuries? No way. That was the last straw. To hell with not saying something stupid, he was going to tell the truth, and Arthur was finally going to listen.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_Maybe I will! Maybe I'll find someone who actually gives a shit about me and WILL be nice to me and celebrate my birthday, instead of dwelling on it and being a fucking crybaby instead of finally getting over it after fucking TWO HUNDRED YEARS and finally come around to the fact that NO, I DON'T hate you and all I fucking want is for you to actually be happy for me on my favorite day of the year instead of drinking and acting like a total piss up until a week has passed, when he'll FINALLY go back to normal, except he won't even acknowledge that it happened and won't even apologize for making me feel like SHIT on my BIRTHDAY, of ALL FUCKING DAYS. Maybe I'll find someone that won't act like such a fucking little shit and will actually act like he cares about me even just a little bit, since I've already apologized a fucking MILLION TIMES and now do NOTHING but treat him with the love and respect he deserves, except just a couple times cuz I like to see you blush when I tease you. MAYBE I'll go find someone that actually LOVES me, since you clearly don't!_

It was a lot to type, but he had a lot to say. Arthur needed to know that he was sick and tired of being treated like a whiny little kid. That was why he had declared independence in the first place, and Arthur still wasn't seeing it!

He glared at the computer, seething, until Arthur's message appeared.

**Arthur Kirkland: **_Are you…are you saying I don't love you?_

Yes, he was saying that. He was also saying a lot of other things that Arthur had completely ignored _yet again._ He really wasn't getting it.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_Wow. I'm glad I typed all of that out just so you could catch one of my points. And yes. Because you obviously don't, so just fucking leave me alone._

He watched his message appear on the board. Reading it over, he growled and planted his face onto the keyboard. He wasn't being fair. He shouldn't be like this. Arthur didn't-

**Arthur Kirkland: **_WAIT NO! Alfred, stop it!_

Scratch that. Yes he did. He deserved every little bit of it.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_DON'T fucking tell me what to do!_ _This is why I declared independence in the first place! Look, you obviously don't even fucking give a shit about me, so why should I listen to you anyway! God DAMN it, Arthur! You act all hurt that I broke things off two centuries ago, like it all hurt you and I'm just a big bully whose head is too big for his hat, but have you ever even stopped to think about my side of it? NO. And you know why? Because you DON'T FUCKING CARE. You never have, you never WILL, and that's why you can't fucking get over this shit. So until you can start loving me as much as I love you, until you can start realizing that I'm giving everything I fucking have just to make you happy, and until you can fucking GROW A PAIR and apologize for treating me like absolute SHIT for two hundred years, just FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE._

Alfred shouted in frustration and pounded his face into the keyboard again. He was probably going to have a permanent "K" key mark on his forehead, but he didn't care. It hurt. It really hurt to say these things. He didn't know what Arthur was thinking on the other end of the computer, but he was sure it wasn't good. He didn't want to be like this, so angry and rude and biting, but there was no other way to say it. He had put up with this for too long. All he asked was that Arthur could stop focusing on the past. Alfred had apologized countless times for hurting Arthur during the Revolution. He regretted his actions, he cried, they moved on. Or so he thought. No, there was a harsh reminder every year when Arthur neglected his birthday, or even worse, showed up to his party completely plastered and started yelling at him, humiliating him and making him feel horrible on his favorite day of the year. All he wanted was for that to stop. He just wanted Arthur to say he was sorry and move on. They would never have to think about the Revolution again.

**Arthur Kirkland: **_Al…no…wait…come back…Let's talk about this._

He wanted to talk about it? Okay.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_Then fucking talk away, old man. I'm listening._

Yes…talk, and finally move past this….

**Arthur Kirkland: **_I do love you. You know that. I always have. The reason I can't get over this is well... I lost you. I lost the thing I loved the most. The one thing I always came home to after meetings. The one thing that loved me back. The one thing that I thought wouldn't leave me. Then, I got careless. I figured since you loved me back, and I was always there for you...maybe I could treat you like an adult...when you were still young. I wanted the taxes, I wanted you to have tea. I wanted you to be a Loyalist. And I got angry when you declared the independence. I know you apologise all the time, and I can't even get over that. Because I'm going to feel it every year for the rest of my life. I honestly try to imagine it in your view, but I can't. Because I just can't Alfred! I try...I honestly do! I've actually stepped out of a bar just to come to America, but I can't do it! I can't...It's just too hard. I dropped my gun for a reason. I couldn't shoot you when you declared. I had to respect it. I was just so afraid. Australia left me, Hong Kong, I...I mean, Matthew is still loyal but I care about you more! Alfred, I fell in love with you during World War II. I don't remember your birthday until it happens and when I do, it tears my world apart. You left me. I loved you since 1492, and that love turned into complete and unconditional feelings for you, which apparently aren't enough...I've...I can't honestly...I don't know what to do Alfred. I can't make you happy by tearing myself apart. And I can't make myself willing to be happy when I hurt you in the process. If you want to leave...then go, I can't stop you...But I love you...and when I say I don't remember...it's just me denying the hurt I'm going to feel for the rest of my life...the thing I love...is gone...and all I want is you back..._

Alfred read the message, and his heart swelled. He laughed at Arthur's stubborn spelling of "apologize." As he read it over again, however, his heart sank back to where it was before. He should have known it was too much to expect an honest apology from Arthur fucking Kirkland.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_Gee, thanks. That's great._

**Arthur Kirkland: **_That's…that's all you have to say?_

Alfred sighed and rubbed at his eyes. He wasn't crying. They just itched.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_Yep. Because as well and good as that all is, I've heard it before. And I know! And I've apologized for it. I've heard all that shit, Arthur, but what I haven't heard before and STILL HAVEN'T is an apology. I know WHY you do it, but you don't even act like you feel bad, and you won't even be man enough to apologize. And even if you say it right now, it won't matter, because you won't mean it. You'll just be saying it cuz I want you to._

Please, please let him take the hint.

**Arthur Kirkland: **_I'm saying what I feel, Alfred! I really mean it! I can't see the screen right now because of you! You son of a bitch! If you hated me so much, then why don't you just say it! You hated me enough to declare independence!_

Arthur, just SHUT UP. Seriously.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_I don't fucking hate you! You hate me!_

That had to be it. Arthur had always hated him. Ever since that day almost 236 years ago, he had hated Alfred. He pretended he didn't, but you could see every July 4th…he had never forgiven him. With this thought in mind, Alfred was very surprised when Arthur's next message came in.

**Arthur Kirkland:**_ I don't hate you! I never have!_

He…didn't? He didn't hate Alfred? His heart felt lighter for a moment, until he realized that he still hadn't gotten any sign of remorse from that damn country. He sighed bitterly.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_Whatever. Happy birthday to me, I guess. Maybe I'll go celebrate with someone who actually cares._

**Arthur Kirkland: **_Don't do this, Alfred! Please….!_

Alfred groaned and squeezed his eyes shut. This was wrong on so many levels. Arthur was upset, and that was bad enough in itself. But what was worse was that he had caused it. Wasn't it a hero's job to make sure everyone was safe and happy? Not crying and begging their boyfriend to calm down over the computer. He wanted to stop this, but he was so…_angry_. Arthur had compromised his feelings for so long…he just wanted to let him know how upsetting it was.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_I just…ugh._

There was nothing he could think of to say, now. He had used up all his words cyber-yelling.

**Arthur Kirkland: **_You just what?_

**Alfred F. Jones: **_I just…I wish you wouldn't be like this._

He couldn't really describe what "this" meant, but hopefully Arthur would catch it.

**Arthur Kirkland: **_Be like what? Completely honest with you for once, when I can't fucking do it in PERSON!_

Nope.

**Alfred F. Jones: **NO! I wish you wouldn't act like you're the victim and realize how much you're hurting me. Yeah, I hurt you a long time ago, and I'm SORRY. But you're hurting me now.

He just…wanted it to stop.

**Arthur Kirkland: **_I don't mean to, I honestly don't…_

**Alfred F. Jones: **_Then…I just…I want you to put this behind you. That's all I ask. Stop looking at me like your former colony, stop living in the past. Realize that I love you NOW, and need you here NOW._

Because ultimately, that's all he really wanted. He wanted Arthur to love him, feel the same way that Alfred felt about him. Love him unconditionally, love him for the man he was now, not the boy he had been before.

**Arthur Kirkland: **_I will, Alfred, I promise. I swear it! I'll be there with what you want, need and cherish. And I will be there for you. I…I promise!_

Pretty words, but Alfred was still a bit skeptical.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_Always? Whenever I need you?_

**Arthur Kirkland: **_Whenever._

Then there was only one thing left to ask.

**Alfred F. Jones:**_ Then will you finally put this behind you?_

Please, _please_ say yes.

**Arthur Kirkland: **_I will. Cross my heart…hope to die._

Alfred grinned and shook his head. Arthur and his dismal self. Why did everything always end with him dying somehow?

**Alfred F. Jones: **_Well, I don't want you to do that. Can you…do something for me then? Just to prove you mean it._

**Arthur Kirkland: **_Absolutely._

**Alfred F. Jones: **_Wish me a happy Independence Day._

Do it.

**Arthur Kirkland: **_Right now?_

No. Next week.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_Sure, why not?_

There was a very long pause. Alfred was afraid Arthur had logged off. But no, the little dash still indicated that he was online. He could picture the Englishman sitting there, staring at the screen with his hands hovering over the keyboard, deciding what to do. He wouldn't say it, of course. He wouldn't be able to do it. Arthur Kirkland, former Empire and pirate, the only person ever to choke while swallowing his pride. He wouldn't do it. He wouldn't say-

**Arthur Kirkland: **_Okay. Happy Independence Day. And Happy Birthday, love._

**Alfred F. Jones: **_…_

He couldn't believe it. He couldn't fucking believe it. He had really meant everything he said. Those three words proved it. If Arthur could wish him a happy Independence Day, a happy birthday, then everything, _everything_ was okay.

**Alfred F. Jones: **_I love you, Arthur._

**Arthur Kirkland: **_I love you too._

And he meant it. Four days later, on July 4th, Arthur Kirkland showed up at Alfred's house. He said nothing. His face was bright red and he looked extremely embarrassed and disheveled. He held a box of chocolate and a bouquet of roses, Alfred's national flower.

"These aren't for your birthday," he said, looking at the floor. "I…I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me."

Alfred was speechless.

"These…these are for your birthday," Arthur continued, and shoved three more things at Alfred. There was a phone case, a baseball bat, and a guitar case. All were decorated lavishly in Alfred's three favorite colors—red, white, and blue.

Alfred looked at the presents, then back at Arthur. He was standing awkwardly in the doorway, looking embarrassed, ashamed, and hopeful. All of these were spent looking anywhere but into Alfred's eyes.

Alfred hesitated, then smiled. "Thanks, babe," he said. When Arthur looked up in surprise, he ducked forward and pulled him into a kiss.

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**A/N: Ack. Not my best work. But ya know how it goes. This is for you, my CelestialPirate! Once again she has provided me with the personality of everyone's favorite Englishman. Thanks lady, I could never be such an America without you!**

**Sorry about the enormously large blocks of text. CURSE YOU, FACEBOOK!**


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